Why We're Afraid of Our Own Desires

The fear of wanting doesn't arise from nothing. It grows from stories we absorbed as children.

The first story: "You should be grateful"

"Other children don't even have this, and you want more." This phrase sounds like a call to humility, but what it actually teaches is: wanting is ungrateful. And we start suppressing our desires so we don't seem "spoiled."

The second story: "Your desires are a burden"

"Here you go wanting something again," "You always need something." When adults are tired or irritated, our childish "I want" becomes an extra load for them. We quickly learn: it's better not to want, so we're not a burden.

The third story: "You don't deserve it"

"Do your homework first, then you can play," "Achieve success first, then rest." We're taught that desires must be "earned." And we carry this pattern into adulthood: work first, rest later. Everything else first, me later. Earn it first, want it later.

The fourth story: "There are things more important than what you want"

"Don't think about yourself, think about others." This teaches us that our desires are secondary. That we should be convenient, silent, spineless. And we stop not only talking about our desires, but even noticing them.

These stories become an internal voice that now speaks in our own name. And it says: "You have no right to want. Be grateful for what you have."

If you've long denied yourself permission to want, returning to your desires can be difficult. They might seem "trivial," "wrong," "not important enough." But that's exactly where you should start—with the small, almost invisible ones.

Step 1: Start with "little wants"

Don't try to immediately formulate a grand desire ("what do I want from life"). That's too loud and scary. Start with the everyday:

• What do I want to eat for breakfast?
• What do I want to wear today?
• Where do I want to go if I have a free hour?
• Who do I want to talk to?
• What do I want to do if I have 15 minutes of quiet?

These questions reconnect you with yourself. They don't require monumental decisions—just permission to exist.

Step 2: Separate your voice from others'

When you think about a desire, ask yourself: "Is this truly my desire, or am I just doing what I'm 'supposed to'?" If you want to lose weight—is that your desire or society's voice? If you want to earn more—is that your desire or your parents' voices saying "be successful"?

Learn to distinguish your voice from introjected voices.

Step 3: Allow yourself to want "just because"

You don't have to explain your desires. You don't have to prove they're "right," "important," "worthy." You can want something simply because you want it. Even if it's "nonsense." Even if it doesn't fit any logic.

Step 4: Don't rush to fulfill

You can simply allow the desire to exist. You don't need to immediately run off and make it happen. Just give it space. Write it in your journal. Say out loud to yourself: "I want this. And that's okay."

This practice will help you meet the voice that forbids you to want.

You'll need: a sheet of paper, a pen, 15 minutes of quiet.

Step 1: Write down one desire.

Any desire that comes to mind. Even if it seems silly or unattainable.

Step 2: Ask yourself: "What do I feel when I think about this desire?"

Joy? Excitement? Fear? Guilt? Awkwardness? Write it down.

Step 3: Find the internal voice that says "no."

Ask: "What voice inside me says this desire is wrong? What does it say?" Write it down verbatim.

Step 4: Answer that voice.

Write to it from yourself: "I hear you. Thank you for trying to protect me. But I want this. And I'm allowing myself to want it."

Step 5: Sit with the desire.

You don't need to fulfill it right away. Just allow it to be, like a flower that has just bloomed.

When you start allowing yourself to want, guilt almost always shows up. It's an old reflex: "I haven't earned this," "I'm taking from others," "I'm selfish."

When guilt arrives, tell it: "I know you're here. You're trying to protect me from rejection. But right now I'm safe. I can want, and it doesn't make me bad. It makes me alive."

Guilt will keep coming. Each time—quieter. Because you'll see more and more clearly: desires don't destroy relationships, they fill life with meaning.

Desires aren't enemies. They're a compass. They show where your soul wants to go. When you stop ignoring them, you stop living someone else's life.

You have the right to want. Even if your desires seem "small," "wrong," or "unworthy." You have the right to want without justifications or explanations. You have the right to want and not act on it, and that's okay too.

Allow yourself to want. And then, if you feel like it, permit yourself to take small steps toward your desires. No rush, no pressure, no guilt.

Because to want means to be alive.

P.S. If you're ready, share one small desire you've allowed yourself to notice in the comments. Sometimes, for a desire to become real, it's enough to simply name it. 🌙