I Tried to Cleanse My Vibes… and Ended Up Spiritually Mugged

So here’s how it all went down:

I decided it was time.

Time to finally clear out the heavy energy clinging to me like expired cologne and ex-girlfriend trauma.

I was going to do a vibe-cleansing ritual.

Real spiritual. Real intentional. Real serious.

Which was my first mistake.

Because I can’t follow instructions.

I skim. I assume. I improvise.

I read “light a smudge stick and walk through your space counterclockwise” and my brain translated that as

“Wave burning herbs around like a drunk wizard and hope for the best.”

Step 1: Smudge Stick Shenanigans

I lit the sage... indoors... with the windows closed.

Why?

Because I forgot that smoke needs to go somewhere other than directly into my face.

Within seconds, I’m coughing, eyes watering, trying to chant something like

“Bad energy be gone!”

Except it came out more like,

“Get the hell outta here!”

while waving the stick like I was swatting invisible mosquitos.

I set off the smoke alarm.

The dog panicked and peed on the welcome mat.

I tripped over a yoga block I haven’t used since 2021 and dropped the sage into a decorative bowl of potpourri.

Mini fire.

Big panic.

No vibes cleansed—just a mild exorcism of my dignity.

Step 2: Crystal Chaos

I remembered the instructions said to "place protective crystals in the corners of the room."

Easy.

Except I couldn’t remember which ones were protective, so I just threw the first ones I found around like spiritual confetti.

One was selenite.

One was a rock I think I got at a gas station.

One was a chunk of Himalayan salt that the dog licked mid-ritual, which I’m pretty sure means it’s cursed now.

Step 3: The Incantation... or Lack Thereof

I tried to say an affirmation but forgot it mid-sentence, so it turned into:

“I release all... uh... dumb sh*t… and invite... like… better vibes or whatever.”

I accidentally invoked the spirit of ADHD.

Step 4: The Distraction Spiral

Halfway through the ritual, I got distracted by a weird buzzing noise.

Spent 15 minutes looking for the source.

Turned out to be my electric toothbrush.

I never returned to the ritual.

I finished the night sitting on the kitchen floor, eating cereal out of a mug, covered in sage ash and regret.

And yet…

Here’s the thing.

Despite doing everything wrong—

The chaos, the distraction, the half-arsed intentions—

I still felt better.

Because even though I didn’t follow the steps “correctly,”

I showed up for myself.

I paused. I laughed. I acknowledged my mess.

And somehow, that alone was enough to clear a little bit of the funk.

So now, when I do a vibe-cleansing ritual?

I still forget half the steps.

I still do it with one sock on and my phone at 4% battery.

But I do it my way.

And that counts for something