Spiritual Growing Pains

There I was, ready to embark on my spiritual growth journey. I envisioned myself glowing with wisdom, exuding peaceful enlightenment, and maybe even floating an inch off the ground like a monk in deep meditation.

Spoiler alert: That’s not what happened.

I decided to dive in headfirst, but instead of taking a balanced and mindful approach, I went full steam ahead with the most chaotic, least productive methods possible.

Phase One: The "All or Nothing" Strategy

I figured if I was going to be spiritually evolved, I had to commit 1000%—no halfway nonsense. So, naturally, I:

• Meditated for six hours on day one (fell asleep sitting up).

• Threw out all my “low-vibrational” food (then cried when I realized Doritos aren’t inherently evil).

• Wrote an entire gratitude journal entry for every breath I took.

• Stared at the sky, waiting for divine downloads. (All I got was a sunburn.)

Phase Two: The “Drastic Changes” Method

Clearly, I wasn’t changing fast enough, so I took things up a notch.

• Spoke only in affirmations for an entire day. (“I AM a vessel of divine peace.” [cuts self on a can of beans] “I AM experiencing a lesson in patience.”)

• Quit caffeine cold turkey. Almost fought a bird that looked at me the wrong way.

• Walked barefoot everywhere to “stay grounded.” Stubbed my toe on everything.

Phase Three: The Moment of Realization

After about a week of this nonsense, I found myself crying in a grocery store parking lot because my spiritual awakening wasn’t happening fast enough.

That’s when it hit me:

I was making it way harder than it needed to be.

Instead of easing into growth, I had turned it into a chaotic spiritual boot camp. Turns out, enlightenment isn’t about torturing yourself with kale smoothies and excessive chanting—it’s about balance, patience, and taking it one step at a time.

So, I took a deep breath, bought myself a coffee (WITH cream and sugar, because I’m human), and decided to approach my growth like a sane person.

Lesson learned: If you’re fighting birds over caffeine withdrawal, you might be doing self-improvement wrong.