Conquering yourself

Let’s talk about a hot topic in the spiritual community: shadow work. A lot of people mention it every now and then in the witchy sphere, but people don’t seem to really understand this concept, or at least they’re not publishing about what it really is. Firstly, shadow work is actually one of the foundations of any spiritual practice, because if you don’t have ownership over your own being, how will you conquer anything else? If the goal of investing in your spirituality is to better yourself, the first step you’ll have to take is to know yourself in the first place.

          While shadow work does help (a lot) with overcoming the obstacles to get what you want, this shouldn’t be the main goal. To know your shadow is to learn how to love unconditionally, and this is probably the hardest lesson you’ll have to learn. Can you love yourself despite your mistakes? Can you love yourself enough to recognize when your energy, which is such a precious thing, is being abused? Can you still love a friend or partner after they did you wrong and set the necessary boundaries to repair the relationship? It’s completely okay if you don’t yet, and well, you’re human! It’s okay to have emotions according to those situations, or if you have toxic patterns regarding those emotions, you’re still learning, and the progress won’t be linear, but that doesn’t stop us from applying the lessons, and this is where certain techniques enter to help you break those patterns.

          The most well known, tried and true method of shadow work is of course, therapy. It might not be affordable to everyone, but if you can, it’s absolutely worth your time. The other techniques are inspired in various methods from Psychology, and one of the most basic ones, that came from DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), and before that, from Buddhism, is the practice of radical acceptance.

          When we feel stuck in the same patterns over and over again, when we are ruminating on the same feelings and thoughts, most times we don’t need to fight back, we need the opposite: acceptance. For example, you might be terrified of bridges, you may be scared that it’s going to fall under your feet or while you're passing under it, and you may feel anxious every time you have to cross it, you may avoid it the best you can and so on. The thing is, this anxiety or fear is rooted in denial, in a fear of not wanting it to happen, so what if you accepted that this might be a possible fate? What if instead of fighting back the idea of the bridge breaking, you think about this possibility with an open heart? After all, it’s something you can’t predict or control, what if it does happen? Yes, you’ll likely die or get injured, and what else? Or if you’re constantly worrying if your friends secretly hate you, what if they do? Will it really be the end of the world? This is how you conquer fear or doubt, by accepting it. Yes, this seems very counterintuitive and it’s a horrible thing to think, but the key point here is to cease the suffering, because worrying excessively over something won’t stop it from happening, so if it’s out of your control, the best we can do is to accept it. Mind you, it’s okay if you do feel anxious, scared, ashamed or angry about it, the emotions are not the problem and accepting those feelings are included in radical acceptance, but instead, suffering is the main problem. And in fact, by practicing radical acceptance, it’s very likely these emotions will go away too, and this is for you to be able to move on.

          Similarly, you can’t control the past, the things people did to you, the things you did that you regret, the trauma you went through, and yes, it was horrible, but we can’t change it. So instead of spiraling, try saying this to yourself: “I cannot change this situation, but this suffering can’t go on to a point of no return. I did the best I could with the resources I had at that moment, and so did everyone else involved. No matter how much I wish things to be different, things are the way they are”. This is what the unconditional love I mentioned feels like. This is how you learn to love despite everything else. By accepting, we’re integrating our shadow and not letting it control us anymore.

          By accepting the way things are, the next step is crucial: to move on. There’s a lot of things you can’t control, but you can still control what you’ll do with the present. Every day, every single moment of your day, you can make a choice. The choice to either wither in guilt, or to be gentle with yourself. To remain mindful, present. To show love. And if you do make the wrong choice, it’s okay, you can still start over again. You’re doing the best you can, and this is enough.

(Image: Pinterest)